5 Things I wish Trump WOULD Endorse

July 16, 2020

This question is more political than God-related… Are there any products you would be ok with a president endorsing?

TM, Greencastle, IN

As you may have read recently, President Trump (and his daughter) recently endorsed his pal’s bean company in direct violation of federal law. Naturally, law-minded citizens were upset, but as a true devil’s advocate, I gave some thought to some products and activies that would not bother me if he promoted them.

Books like Carl Sagan’s Demon Haunted World and Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson’s Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me come immediately to mind. Anyone would benefit from reading those books.

But then I thought, what’s to prevent a president hawking Dianetics, Deepak Chopra, or some other crap as equally valid?

So I do think the no-endorsements law is a good idea, though I would humbly suggest Congress allow some one-time exceptions for Donald Trump. In this one case, I would grant him his belief that the law doesn’t apply to him.

Trump should be allowed to promote – as vigorously as he’d like – the following list of products and brands to his supporters. Here are those products along with some suggested lines for the president to use from behind his desk in the Oval Office:

Unfiltered Camels

Nothing beats that first drag of the day while your wife cooks you some bacon and sausage for breakfast. Inhale deeply to get that nicotine past all the scar tissue and help fire up those synapses for another work-shift in search of squeaky clean coal. I’d walk (or drive a golf cart) a mile for a Camel!

Trojan Condoms

Speaking of clean, keep the business end of your John Henry out of trouble when cheating on your wife or girlfriend. I like Trojans for two reasons – they keep the unwanted children-of-subordinates-and-gold-diggers out of this world, and they are a hell of a lot cheaper than abortions, paternity suits, and child-support. In all sizes, even small.

Homemade Fugu

Mmmm mmm, I do love me some Fugu on the barbie. When I have some of the other millionaires-claiming-to-be-billionaires over for a back-yard cookout, I love to surprise them with some pufferfish. I make the best fugu. Ask anyone. They tell me it’s hard to clean properly, but how hard can it be? You cut, gut, and toss it on the grill. It’s the best. I’m the best.

Groupon for Deep Fried Butter

Don’t let all this talk about the China Disease keep you from the nearest state fair. Donate to the Trump campaign and get two coupons for all-you-can-eat deep fried butter at any state fair – except Puerto Rico. Wait, is Puerto Rico a state? Anyway, there’s just nothing better than a food that greases your gullet for second, third, and fourth helpings as it goes down.

Snake-Handling

There’s no better way to relax on Sunday than to head down to your local Pentecostal church and partake in the services. After speaking in tongues for a while – and no one’s better at that than me – I like to handle some rattlesnakes. They seem to like, me. What can I say? Even serpents like me. To make the experience more fulfilling, give them a good shake. It keeps them (and you) awake.