Contributions

Atheism Defined & By the Numbers, God’s Burning Love
January 10, 2019


That’s right, if you’re not going to church, not tithing, not praying, not doing all the things that will get you a 50-yard-line seat in the afterlife, you are screwed in the eyes of most Abrahamic religions and walking on thin ice in many of the others. Religion favors the devout, so if you’re watching football on Sunday morning, you might as well own up to the “A” word. You’re going to burn either way. (I should point out that any religion that doesn’t have some version of hell associated with it isn’t worth worrying much about. Sorry Bahá’ís)

But don’t worry atheists; you’ll have plenty of company in H-town. Let’s look at the numbers.

At over 2 billion adherents, Christianity is the world’s largest religion. But it only comprises just over 30% of the world’s people. That means that on a good day, almost 70% of those who die worldwide will be taking a dip in a lake of fire. (See John 3:16-20 for confirmation that non-Christians are BBQ-bound.)

Of course, plenty of God-fearing Christians will miss the exit ramp to the Pearly Gates too. Even a casual tune-in to the TBN will reveal the many roads to perdition. So can we safely say that (even Christians believe that) at least 3 out of 4 people are destined for eternal damnation? Easily 3 out of 4.

No matter how you crunch it, all individual religions are a vast minority in the world.

The Atheist AND Christian War on Christmas
December 12, 2018


I happen to think the “War on Christmas” is a hyped-up Fox News (sic) creation that lines up nicely with the rest of their business model: convince the American public that something dear to them is in imminent danger of being ripped from their bosoms – so they’ll keep watching… Fox News.

The rippers are, variously, the liberals, Hillary Clinton, socialism, Nancy Pelosi, the left, Hillary Clinton, the atheists, Barak Obama, everyone in California, and Hillary Clinton.

But this war is really more like a highly localized skirmish, and there is at least a little blame to go around for people being uptight during this time of year. So here I will attempt to straighten things out with some frank talk to both the Christians who think Satan’s minions (and Hillary) are trying to put a halt to everything Christmas, and to the atheists who become enraged every time they see Santa Claus.

Atheist 10 Commandments
November 20, 2018


11. Take a moment every day to be grateful
No matter how bad it gets, someone out there is worse off or dead. That’s the bottom line, isn’t it?
You, on the other hand (if you’re actually reading this and not merely in a coma), aren’t dead yet.

So there’s that.

It’s just got to be mentally healthy to shift your thinking from what’s wrong with the world (or your life) to what’s right — at least once in a while. Hope springs eternal.

I don’t know who the hell this Hope is, but I think she’s got the right idea… springing like she does… whatever that means.

Mr. Rogers God, Pascal’s Lost Wager, The Sneaky Principle…
November 7, 2018


Don’t think just because the odds are long that there is a creator/designer behind a rare event. If a gust of wind blows a can of paint off your roof and it happens to explode all over the new patio furniture your wife just bought at the OSH going-out-of-business sale, the spatter pattern it would (theoretically) generate would be unique… gazillions to one to ever re-create the exact same pattern. Did this rare and singular event have a creator or designer that fine-tuned that spill? No. It just happened. An accident. Nobody’s fault. Nobody at all…

10 Commandments Under Fire Part II
October 17, 2018


Yeah, yeah, yeah, stealing is wrong. Even apes and wolves know that. Try grabbing a gorilla’s last banana and making a run for it. When he catches you, shakes you like a can of spray paint, eats the banana you stole in front of you, and shoves the peel into your ear, that’s his way of saying stealing is wrong.

Because he instinctually knows – as do we – that stealing is wrong. How many apes can recite the 10 Commandments?(Probably about as many as congress members.)

The point is that if apes don’t need this spelled out, why do we?

10 Commandments Under Fire
October 11, 2018


4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

This is a problem. Every major pro sport plays on Sunday. God doesn’t want to mess with the NFL.

And Christian women, look closely at this commandment and notice who doesn’t get a day off… YOU!

Cattle get the Sabbath off. Strangers within thy gates (there are plenty of these in my neighborhood) get the Sabbath off. Slaves? Yep. (and this is pre-OSHA)
Women? Sorry. No.

One more thing here. Why does the all-powerful creator of the universe need rest? Does he get tired after a long week of whipping up matter and energy? Is he out of breath or have a stitch in his side? If you are ALL-powerful, you are in tremendous shape. Ironman triathletes don’t have to rest when they walk up a flight of stairs. Apparently God does.

Behind the Gopherwood Curtain, Norman the Bad Elephant, God Loves SOME of You…
October 4, 2018


Are you worried about going to hell? (Laughter) I mean, what would you say if you died and ended up in hell?

I’m not worried because I don’t think hell exists.But if I died and actually did end up in hell, I’d be surprised. You gotta be kidding me, I’d say. All indications were that this is a myth!

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Satan; Alone in Alabama
September 18, 2018


That’s the god that launched Crusades, fosters intolerance among peoples, and keeps the psychiatric, psychological, wine and pot industries profitable. People don’t smite their enemies in the name of a universal energy force that keeps order in the universe.

Jesus as fiction, Geraldo vs Bigfoot, Science vs Religion
September 12, 2018


How do you shoot 100 episodes of a no-chance search and keep people interested? Remember in 1986 when Geraldo aired The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vaults. It was a colossal bust, and people were pissed they wasted time watching. Watching 100 episodes of Finding Bigfoot would be like watching Geraldo another 99 times after getting burned the first time.
Is this memory lapse? Masochism?
Why, people? Why?

In God We Rust, Holy Hats, Pregame Prayer
September 5, 2018


Are you sure you want god so close to all that wild action?
What about all the devout believers who aren’t exactly thrilled about their holy father gracing the very medium on which porn stars are procured, cocaine is snorted, and losing bets on the Chicago Cubs are proffered. Cold cash buys a lot of ungodly good times. C’mon God, papa needs a 7!