Contributions

10 Commandments Under Fire Part II
October 17, 2018


Yeah, yeah, yeah, stealing is wrong. Even apes and wolves know that. Try grabbing a gorilla’s last banana and making a run for it. When he catches you, shakes you like a can of spray paint, eats the banana you stole in front of you, and shoves the peel into your ear, that’s his way of saying stealing is wrong.

Because he instinctually knows – as do we – that stealing is wrong. How many apes can recite the 10 Commandments?(Probably about as many as congress members.)

The point is that if apes don’t need this spelled out, why do we?

10 Commandments Under Fire
October 11, 2018


4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

This is a problem. Every major pro sport plays on Sunday. God doesn’t want to mess with the NFL.

And Christian women, look closely at this commandment and notice who doesn’t get a day off… YOU!

Cattle get the Sabbath off. Strangers within thy gates (there are plenty of these in my neighborhood) get the Sabbath off. Slaves? Yep. (and this is pre-OSHA)
Women? Sorry. No.

One more thing here. Why does the all-powerful creator of the universe need rest? Does he get tired after a long week of whipping up matter and energy? Is he out of breath or have a stitch in his side? If you are ALL-powerful, you are in tremendous shape. Ironman triathletes don’t have to rest when they walk up a flight of stairs. Apparently God does.

Behind the Gopherwood Curtain, Norman the Bad Elephant, God Loves SOME of You…
October 4, 2018


Are you worried about going to hell? (Laughter) I mean, what would you say if you died and ended up in hell?

I’m not worried because I don’t think hell exists.But if I died and actually did end up in hell, I’d be surprised. You gotta be kidding me, I’d say. All indications were that this is a myth!

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Satan; Alone in Alabama
September 18, 2018


That’s the god that launched Crusades, fosters intolerance among peoples, and keeps the psychiatric, psychological, wine and pot industries profitable. People don’t smite their enemies in the name of a universal energy force that keeps order in the universe.

Jesus as fiction, Geraldo vs Bigfoot, Science vs Religion
September 12, 2018


How do you shoot 100 episodes of a no-chance search and keep people interested? Remember in 1986 when Geraldo aired The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vaults. It was a colossal bust, and people were pissed they wasted time watching. Watching 100 episodes of Finding Bigfoot would be like watching Geraldo another 99 times after getting burned the first time.
Is this memory lapse? Masochism?
Why, people? Why?

In God We Rust, Holy Hats, Pregame Prayer
September 5, 2018


Are you sure you want god so close to all that wild action?
What about all the devout believers who aren’t exactly thrilled about their holy father gracing the very medium on which porn stars are procured, cocaine is snorted, and losing bets on the Chicago Cubs are proffered. Cold cash buys a lot of ungodly good times. C’mon God, papa needs a 7!

Godless Immortality at Last
August 30, 2018


This is the ultimate question because wanting to stay alive is built into our DNA. Most creatures that actually have brains generally do their best to keep the clock ticking. This means that even atheists — who, like short people, have no reason to live — for some reason still care about living… as long as we can… forever even… somehow.

We know that’s not possible (yet!), but even though we don’t believe in nirvana, Hades, Valhalla, or heaven (as if we could get in), that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t mind continuing on for a few millennia.
So how do we deal with the inescapable understanding that when we die, our very existence (for all intents and purposes) comes to a screeching halt? It’s a bit depressing to even write that.

The answer is that we – atheists, believers, Cub fans… everyone – are all immortal in at least one of the following three ways. You will NOT cease to exist – at least as long as the universe is still around. (And without a universe, what’s the point?)

Here’s how…

Ape Church, Agnostics vs Atheists, Godless but pro-Trump
August 22, 2018

,

Are you agnostic about Santa Claus? Probably not. I suspect that your ability to disprove the existence of Santa Claus is on par with your ability to disprove God. Such is the case with believing any negative concerning existence. If there is insufficient evidence to believe in any proposition, then you live your life as if that thing doesn’t exist — until some solid proof comes in.

There may be some other universe or dimension in which I have no bald spot, but until I cross paths with my hairy-crowned self, I’ll continue to wear hats.

Atheists for Aretha, Hell? Please…, A Zero Golf Score
August 15, 2018


Hell doesn’t scare me. I played football in Chicago in August. Please… hell would be a cool breeze compared to 95 humid degrees in full pads.
Anyway, did you ever wonder why God designed us with so many flaws, then built hell to punish us for those flaws? Seems a bit circular, doesn’t it?

Atheist Godfather, Holy Home Runs, Black Jesus
August 8, 2018


Celebrant: Do you reject Satan and all his works?
Me: I do. This was easy. Satan is fictional. I reject him, Santa Clause, and leprechauns.
Celebrant: Do you reject sin, so as to live in the freedom of God’s children?
Me: I do. For me sin is dropping a good slice of deep dish pizza onto a dirty floor. Or sitting on a $9 cigar. I’m against lots of those kinds of sins.
Celebrant: Do you reject the glamor of evil, and refuse to be mastered by sin?
Me: I do. I mean… I’ll try. I won’t let any bad habits master me, though I reserve the right to dip my foot into Lake Sin every now and then.