Biblical Revisionism

December 17, 2012

The following is from The Bible According to the Most Modern Apologists for Religion—an as yet unpublished text.

IN THE BEGINNING, God created everything, but verily, He did so by means of Evolution.

One day, after billions of years had passed, God looked down on the fruits of his endeavors. Lo, He was perplexed: “Look at all those dinosaurs,” He said to Mrs. God, “especially those stegosauruses. What stupid, lumbering creatures! What was I thinking?”

“Or were you thinking?” ventured Mrs. God.

Once again, God ignored Her.

“I can do better,” He avowed. “I could create a much more intelligent being, more in my image,” He said. Then He thought: “But I won’t do it at once,” and instead commanded it to take place millions of years in the future.

And so it came to pass. Man came to exist, and God was pleased. Then He created Darwin.

And all Hell broke loose.