God IS Pro-Trump!

January 31, 2019

What was your reaction to Sarah Sanders’ comment that “God wanted Donald Trump to be president.”?

She’s right, of course!

If you believe – like all good Christians, Muslims, and Jews – that God is ALL-powerful (which generally includes all-knowing), then it logically follows that not only did God want Donald Trump to be president, but also that everything that happens is God’s will.

Let’s underscore that.

If you believe in an all-powerful God, EVERYTHING that happens is his will. By definition. Everything.

Someday I’ll write further about how this affects free will. (Spoiler: There ain’t none.)

Before any believers get too excited about an atheist agreeing that God is pro-Trump (assuming he, God, exists, which of course I don’t) don’t forget what this also means.

Here are a few other things God also wants (or wanted):

Spina bifida, cockroaches, serial killers, landslides, osteoporosis, hurricanes, cavities, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo TV show, flat tires, tornados, hemorrhoids, diabetes, bad breath, kidney disease, leprosy, polio, pot holes, sewer gas, boogers, pimples, eczema, warts, mosquitos, mold, rats, plague, the (Jewish) Holocaust, all the other holocausts, Richard Nixon, pigeon poop, tsunamis, crappy Wi-Fi reception, diarrhea, excessive earwax, alopecia, urine that smells like asparagus, phlegm, frostbite, fish die-offs, broken shoelaces, people who don’t have their payment ready at the cash register, myopia, hip dysplasia, humidity, influenza, Hell (see 9 Circles of Atheist Hell), DVDs that skip, breast cancer, lung cancer, throat cancer, cervical cancer, prostate cancer, the other 100+ kinds of cancer, the 1969 Chicago Cubs, tapeworms, hair where you don’t need it, no hair where you do need it (see alopecia above), Adolph Hitler, jellyfish, poisonous snakes, poisonous everything else, dogs who wipe their asses on carpets, unappreciative cats, nightmares, incontinence, termites, pond scum, nicotine, cold sores, colds, famine, drought, gangrene, cannibals, sties (both kinds), schizophrenia, loose salt-shaker caps, forest fires, lightning, asteroid impacts, arthritis, gout, sciatica, rape, painful childbirth, toe jam, Fox News, belly-button lint, mites, bed bugs, genital herpes, the other kinds of herpes, sauerkraut …

I could go on…

Ok, just a few more.

Vomit, tetanus, fortune cookies with no fortune in them, head lice, diphtheria, avalanches, quicksand, malaria, off-key singing, pus, scoliosis, ALS, birth defects, cleft palates, cleft chins, Cliff Clavin, flat earthers, black ice, floods, crying babies on overnight flights, sinusitis, peritonitis, laryngitis, plantar fasciitis, elephantiasis, poor verb conjugation, weak coffee, yeast infections, cataracts, catarrh, warm beer, meteorites, ear hair (see the other hair stuff above), leeches, homeopathy, measles, mumps, shingles, Joseph Mengele, hiccups, tailgaters, nausea, erectile dysfunction, dripping faucets, hot flashes, menstrual cycles, Lyme disease, horse flies, house flies, fruit flies, tsetse flies, fleas, tumors, slotted screws, volcano eruptions, spinal meningitis, stuttering, myocardial infarction, apoplexy, chain letters, unsolicited phone calls while you’re eating, golf, blizzards, STDs, gonorrhea, syphilis, Renaissance Fairs, prostate exams, crooked teeth, polyps, rip tides, migraines, hallucinations, slow drains, stress fractures, plain old stress, yellow fever, Bigfoot hunters, yodeling, belly fat, athlete’s foot, all the phobias, thorns, cirrhosis of the liver, liverwurst, shin splints, Chevy Corvairs, Netflix’s movie selection, and death.

Thanks a lot, God.