This incorporates the very latest in astro-illogical forecasting by Nickell-o the Seer.
ARIES: Mention of Skeptical Inquirer science magazine will come to you unexpectedly, whereupon you are fated to subscribe.
TAURUS: You worry about your health. Have a glass of water and think of it as homeopathic bourbon; you’ll soon feel better.
GEMINI: Something bad will happen to you, and after it does you will see exactly how predictable it was, given your sign.
CANCER: Planetary influences indicate that great riches may come your way. However, I suggest you lower your expectations.
LEO: Your mother-in-law will visit, but you will regard her as only a figment of your imagination.
VIRGO: The planets are in correct alignment to—oh, wait. Never mind!
LIBRA: Your sweetheart demands you choose between having a romantic weekend at a New Age retreat and attending a skeptics conference. Decide wisely.
SCORPIO: You learn aliens do exist and have abducted Sylvia Browne. You have mixed emotions.
SAGITTARIUS: The stars are saying something cryptically about “Occam” and a “razor”: Perhaps you’ll have a close shave of some kind.
CAPRICORN: A Chinese restaurant is in your future, but be skeptical of your fortune-cookie’s pronouncement.
AQUARIUS: Good luck is in store for you, but your doubt will render you forever unaware of it. (Don’t say you weren’t told.)
PISCES: You’ve come to realize that, as a skeptic, you’re like a bitter medicine: disliked but necessary. Embrace the knowledge.