January 23, 2013

This incorporates the very latest in astro-illogical forecasting by Nickell-o the Seer.

ARIES: Your contrariness rules. I suggest you stay home—unless you have family or pets.

TAURUS: You fall hopelessly in love at a Skeptics in the Pub meeting, and plan to marry before morning. Wait till afternoon.

GEMINI: Ghostly music wafts eerily through your bedroom at midnight. Remember to reset your clock radio.

CANCER: You learn that a witch wins the James Randi million-dollar challenge by actually turning into a flying pig. Then you awaken.

LEO: An old flame returns. Think fire-retardant.

VIRGO: To develop a more open mind, you take lessons in hypnosis, lessons in hypnosis, lessons in hypnosis. . . .

LIBRA: You meet a free spirit at a New Age conference, but you are treated like a ghost: The person sees right through you.

SCORPIO: Flying saucers invade. Your lover is throwing dishes again.

SAGITTARIUS: Expect a knock at your door. It could be Bigfoot, a leprechaun, or a Jehovah’s Witness seeking your autograph.

CAPRICORN: Your number is drawn in the lottery! Unfortunately, officials don’t know it’s yours because—considering the odds—you never bought a ticket.

AQUARIUS: Cancel your tarot card reading. The stars say the clairvoyant sees only your money.

PISCES: You get an important Ouija board message: N-O-N-S-E-N-S-E.