Mormon Spray, Geriatric God, Sarah Silverman & Jesus

July 11, 2018


Why are the religious so irritating?? Mormons are invading at the moment and I can’t spray for them 🙁

Does Shark Tank know about this anti-Mormon spray? I may want a piece of that action.

Short of poisoning proselytizers who visit your home, consider asking the cherry-faced young chaps in for a talk.

Ask them uncomfortable questions about their beliefs like:

  • If god is everywhere, why do you have to go to church?
  • Is oral and heavy petting considered premarital sex?
  • Speaking of sex, why did god locate our recreational centers near our waste facilities?
  • If god knows the future, why would he ever change his mind about something — like polygamy?
  • Can god create a rock so big that he himself cannot lift? (George Carlin)

Let ‘em chew on those for a while.

How old is the Christian God?

Let’s see… factoring in the Julian and Gregorian calendars… dividing by the Hebrew calendar… times the square root of the Chinese calendar… uhh…

He would turn 2,018 this Christmas… had he lived – give or take a few years when the Romans were tinkering with the calendar.

Oh, are you talking about Jesus’s dad? He’s much older. He’s about 13.8 billion years old. Assuming he created (himself and) the universe around then.

Now that’s a good trick – creating yourself.

And if he was already around… what do you do with yourself when there’s no universe to contemplate? Sounds awfully boring.

Was it God or W.C. Fields who said, “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia”?

If you were forced under the threat of death to join a religion, which religion would you pick and why?

I don’t like to admit this publicly, but I’m already a minister for the (apparently now-defunct) Progressive Universal Life Church. We were the splinter group who left the better-known Universal Life Church. (Apparently, one of my fellow ministers nailed 95 theses to someone’s front door and all hell broke loose in the bogus-pastorships-for-sale world. Wait…I may be conflating that with another story.)

The PULC was quite good to me, though. It foisted zero dogma on me, let me watch Chicago Bears games on Sundays, and never threatened me with damnation even if I screwed up. AND… it allowed me to perform weddings as an officiant without having to jump through all the ridiculous hoops the State of California makes a secular person get through as a deputy solemnizer. You know, the law greatly favors the religious over the secular with regard to officiating at weddings.

How can we do more, faster to stop this tide of religious control in government in the Trump era? I would love to see churches taxed and abortion remain legal and more secular people and scientists in public office but everything seems to be moving in the wrong direction. It’s so disheartening.

It is disheartening, but Trump isn’t the first to court a bloc of religiously-motivated voters. People have been wiping their shoes on the 1st Amendment since the ink dried on the Constitution.

Before you get too depressed, watch Sarah Silverman spend some time with Jesus.

Then… get off your ass. Act! Where’s my soapbox?

  •  Give money to organizations and political candidates who share your views
  •  Vote
  •  Be an advocate for science every day
  •  Know your representatives and let them hear from you
  •  Engage your fellow citizens in a way that lets them know you’re a good person who holds certain views.

Now go on, get out there!