The Ghost Haunters

July 27, 2011

(What the spirited duo might say, if they weren’t speaking through a ghost writer.)

“When Grant and I founded S.A.P.S. (Spirits of the Afterlife Proponent Society), Grant said to me, ‘Jason, I’ve been having these visions, apparitions, and wonder if we shouldn’t form a ghost-hunting organization, to get to the bottom of things.’ ‘I agree’ he said. ‘I’ve had a strange experience myself. Let’s do it!’

“We agreed not to be like other so-called ghost hunters. We’d be controversial. We wouldn’t always find ghosts and we’d even debunk some things—so-called orbs, for example. We knew those balls of light could be caused by the camera’s flash rebounding from dust particles. We’d take a more scientific approach, using scientific gadgets like Geiger counters. Hey, who says they don’t detect ghosts? We knew that, as plumbers, we were as qualified as anyone to prowl through old places. I mean, scientists who don’t believe in ghosts, who say our equipment is nonsense, aren’t going to find ghosts, are they? I know Grant agrees.”

“That’s right, Jason. And let us not neglect to mention our demonologist, Carl, who was thoroughly trained as a retail salesman, or his twin brother, Keith, whose assets include being a born-again Christian. Among other crack members of our S.A.P.S. team is Donna, who is sensitive to the supernatural. What a team!”

“Exactly, Grant. But you haven’t mentioned Brian. Even though he believes in orbs and vampires, is excitable, and often, ah, lies, he’s stayed with us—and that’s what counts. It’s us against all those scientists. We’re determined to put ghost hunting on a truly scientific footing, no matter how skeptical scientists are or how much they laugh at our approach. Would we have a popular TV show if we were as dumb as some of our critics say?”

“You said it, Jason. We may have the last laugh, and we’re already laughing all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, here we are pulling our ghost van up to a haunted theater. Get ready for some ghostly theatrics! Ha, ha, ha!”

“Okay everyone, let’s lug in our equipment. We’ve rented some nifty new devices this time: a seismograph—everybody tread lightly!—and a lie detector. We’re just going to leave it running, unconnected to anyone—that is, anyone we can see! I’ll bet we get some great unexplained data! And Donna, it’s time for you to turn on your sensitivity. Now team, let’s practice our favorite exclamation. Ready now? ‘DID YOU HEAR THAT?!'”

“Look out ghosts! Here we come! Oo-o-o-h, I’m getting chills just thinking of cold spots! Ha, ha, ha!”